i’m getting better at accepting alone time instead of dealing with people i don’t want around. i’m also speaking up when things i’m not ok with are being pushed on me. it only took near 21 years.

I should probably mention that I live there illegally.

10:30 AM- I have made a fresh pot of coffee and gotten dressed, ready for my day, whatever you’d like to call it.

10:35 AM- A knock on the door; It’s Mario, the building maintenence guy. He and his son have arrived to fix the two broken windows in the apartment.

10:40 AM- Both broken windows are now even more broken – shattered glass all over the floor, our poor unsuspecting cat locked in the bathroom with no food, no water, and nothing to do.

10:45 AM- After screaming at each other in Spanish for about 5 minutes Mario and his son leave the room.

10:50 AM- I have sought refuge in my boyfriends apartment, along with the cat- without her litter box and without my headphones. It is going to be a long day.

Nice that the window will be fixed, making my trips to the balcony significantly easier. Not so nice that I am sitting here on my boyfriend’s bed panicking and writing a journal about this. I am afraid to leave because I am afraid of being seen and asked more questions.

This must be what it feels like to be a criminal.

we buried my grandpa today. i always thought the jewish tradition of the family shoveling the first dirt onto the casket was disturbing and horrible. now, having done it, i’m not sure how i feel about it. it was hard, and the sound was terrible…

have you ever heard the sound of a shovel full of dirt hit the wooden lid of a casket, knowing someone you love is in there? it’s a fucked up thing. watching my grandmother blow a kiss to the wood box that holds some part, the physical part at least, of my grampa…you would have lost it too.

i spoke at the funeral. i didn’t think i could do it, but i did. and i was actually very proud of what i said. i’m proud of my mom, aunt, uncles, cousins, but mostly my grandmother. she is one of the most amazing women i have ever met, and i never even realized it until now. we all did my grandpa proud. i know we did.

two short, humorous anecdotes:

1. the rabbi who preformed the service is a newer, younger rabbi (younger meaning 50 ish). he came to the new synagogue because he was fired from his previous synagogue. wanna know why? he and the president of the shul (synagogue, for you goyums) got in a disagreement, and rabbi feldman punched the president in the face. so, he left there, and is now the big shot new fangled rabbi at my grandparents’ temple.

2. my mom was talking to my grandma today about how my oldest uncle and his wife are staying until friday, to get my grandma settled. my uncle’s wife, aka my aunt, is a nice woman, really. but she talks ENDLESSLY…about ANYTHING. and she starts conversations in the middle. my cousin and i have decided she has the first part of the conversation in her head, or sometimes in another room with entirely different people, then will come in and start telling us all about something…from about halfway through. we almost never have any idea what she is talking about, or when we do, it’s something trivial and inane. so my grandma was telling my mom, she didn’t know if she could handle a week with my aunt. and then they were discussing how my uncle, who is a wonderful, smart, funny, rich, successful man, puts up with her and stays with her. my grandma said she must be a good cook and my mom said no, she’s a terrible cook. and so my wheelchair bound, 84 year old grandmother responds, “well, she must be good in bed”. this is my grandmother who calls us grandkids pussy, as a term of endearment.

[10:04:14 pm] Poor Unsuspecting OKcupid Boy: fair enough, me too though

[10:04:27 pm] Me: i finally figured that shit out but it took a REALLY long time.

[10:04:54 pm] Me:: i hope it was part of some cosmic plan to humble me

[10:05:01 pm]Me: if it was, it worked

[10:05:03 pm]Me: and i needed it.

where the clerk asked you why you were looking so “chinese” today.

The clerk (who really means well and is a super sweet guy whom I actually find fairly attractive) then asked about whether or not I had changed my makeup, why I looked so different, and if I had been crying..

Then it hit me. My face and body are swollen and puffy from all of the BP, my eyes are dialated and constricted at the same time from all of this.

I’m thinner than I have been in years, but for some reason I still look like hell.

I like myself. I like this weather. I like having a clean apartment. I like holding myself to a higher standard. I like that I have a career path, even though there are still loose ends that need to be tied up. I like how I look. I like that I utilize discretion when choosing with whom to associate. I like that I have a boyfriend who loves me and makes me smile. I like that I have a best friend and hetero-lifemate who I can tell anything to. I like the cats, I like that I am learning. I like that I want to write, want to create, want to be positive.

I like that even though I have my fair share of personal issues to work out, I want to fix them.

I like that I am gaining an ability to say no. I like that I am judgmental. I like that I am a minimalist. I like that my self worth is becoming less and less dependant on the happiness of others.

I like that I’m not afraid to say that I feel taken for granted.

I like that I do the best that I can and that when people don’t want to cooperate or appreciate, that’s their problem not mine.

I like that I’m not apologizing for myself.

I still have a lot of work to do. I am not perfect, I don’t know everything. I make mistakes and I apologize when I mean it. I should be doing more than I am and I see it and I know it and I am working on changing it.

The time to be happy is now. The time to self-appreciate is now. The day to realize that I don’t have to settle for anything less than what makes me happy is today.

Do what you want and I’ll do what I want. I want better, I have the intelligence and the skills and the attitude to obtain it.

And god damnit I will and if that means doing it alone, then so be it.

“Semen: Avoid Contact With Eyes.”

my grandfather is in a coma. he is off life support, and my mother and her siblings and mother are sitting in his hospice room day in and day out, watching him breathe, then stop.

my dog died. he was 10. no, he wasn’t sick.

extended:

i feel like the past 2 weeks, since my grandfather’s stroke (which happened the day before the one year anniversary of my uncle’s death) has been one long, god awful day. 7 days ago, the decision was made to move him to hospice and stop treatment. he is off all machines, and is not being given food, water or IV fluids. he is being “kept comfortable” until he dies. no one expected him to fight for so long, and last a ridiculous 7 days with no food, water or treatment. that side of my family is jewish, and it is now passover. so, due to religious “law”, there can be no funerals on holidays….so sunday is the first day it could happen. my mom is living in her parents’ condo with her three siblings and my grandma, who is in a wheelchair. i’m on edge, now a xanax fan, thinking everytime the phone rings, it’s going to be my mother sobbing. i want my grandfather to be at peace, and comfortable, which i guess means i want him to die, to be at peace, for everyone. but on the flip side, of course i don’t. he’s my grandfather. i’ve never lost a grandparent and i never would have guessed he would be the first to go. even though i may be relieved when he does die, i know i will be hysterical, just knowing it’s final, and he’s gone forever. i’m reasonable, i know he’s not coming back from this, he is too old and too sick. but there is a fucking difference between in a bed, unconscious and under the ground. i can’t seem to reconcile my feelings about this. if i prayed, what would i pray for?

since i moved up here in july, i’ve had the terrible fear that my dog (who lives at home with my parents and brother, about 3 hours away) would die while i was away at school. i would do anything for my dog. he was a member of the family, and everyone loved him. but no one loved him as much as my mom, dad, brother and i. he was always a silly dog, and when it rains, he likes to use the backseat of a car as a doghouse. he lays in the back of my dad’s vw passat with the door open and naps (presumably). since my mother is in florida with the a fore mentioned situation, my dog has been alone a lot, during the day. yesterday, the weather was gross, so my brother left the dog in the car in the garage. there are people doing construction in my house right now. my mom’s friend stopped by to check on the progress. my dad was at work, and my brother at school. my mom’s friend called to talk to my mom while he was in the house, and mentioned he hadn’t seen the dog. he went back to look again, and my dog had climbed into the front passenger seat of the car, and died. his body was slumped over. my father called me around 8 or 9, and i knew something was wrong.

i’ve been preparing for death for a 13 days now, since the stroke. my dog dying was out of no where, and i am torn apart. he was alone, what if he was scared, or in pain? he was 100% a member of the family.

right now, life sucks. but what can i do about it? i’m isolated, living my endlessly long bad day, flinching everytime the phone rings.

rest in peace, my darling dog.

24/7 365 i love you to pieces.

HIS story – she broke off their ten month relationship on friday, citing me as the reason. she was abusive and a cheater in their open relationship, he loves her, would never hurt her, and is scared of her. says she’s a liar, and asks me to call his mom if he gets arrested.

HER story – he’s her ex from months ago, whom she broke up with due to his severe issues and violence towards her. at least 3 people other than her also have restraining orders against him. she’s coming back to boston tomorrow to talk with police about his violation of the restraining order.

oh, and he says she’s married.

i’m baffled. just fucking baffled.